The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Version


Mike Nelson
Crow T. Robot
Tom Servo


Serenity cast of characters:
Captain Malcolm Reynolds River Tam
Jayne Cobb Kaywinnit Lee Frye
Zoe Alleyne Washburne Hoban Washburne
Dr. Simon Tam Shepherd Derrial Book
Inara Serra "The Operative"
Mr. Universe & his lovebot Lenore Dr. Mathias


Serenity: The MST3K version

[The Universal logo appears]

MIKE:  Finally, a decent movie for once.
CROW:  This is gonna be good!
TOM:  We‘re still going to make fun of it though, aren‘t we?
MIKE:  Oh yeah.

VO: We found a new solar system. Dozens of planets, hundreds of moons.
MIKE:  ... yellow stars, green clovers....

VO: The savage outer planets were not so enlightened, and refused Alliance control.
MIKE:  Isn't that just like savage outer planets? Bunch of jerks if you ask me.

TEACHER:  And now everyone can enjoy the comfort and enlightenment of true civilization.
TOM:  With no further obligation, and no payments till 2007.

STUDENT 1:  Reavers aren't real.
STUDENT 2:  Full well they are.
CROW: (imitating 13 year old)  Full well they aren't!

STUDENT 2:  I hear they attack settlers in space and kill them and wear their skin and rape them for hours and hours...!
CROW: (still imitating 13 year old)  Wow! Cool!

RIVER:  People don't like to be meddled with.
MIKE:  Oh geez, here she goes again.

RIVER:  We tell them what to do and what to think. Don't run. Don't walk.
TOM:  Yield to pedestrians.
MIKE:  No parking between 3 and 7.
CROW:  No turn on red.
TOM:  No pain, no gain.

TEACHER:  River, we’re not telling people what to think. We’re just trying to show them how.
TOM:  And if they don’t get it right, we kill them.

LAB TECH:  Off the charts. Scary monsters.
CROW:  They’re torturing her with David Bowie.

DR. MATHIAS:  Most of our best work is done when they’re asleep. We can monitor and direct their subconscious, implant suggestions...
MIKE:  But our favorite is the old “hand in warm water” trick.

DR. MATHIAS:  She’ll be ideal for defense deployment...
TOM:  And she’s available in a choice of colors.

DR. MATHIAS:  Well, obviously she’s unstable.
CROW:  Obviously.

SIMON:  What use do we have for a psychic if she’s insane?
DR. MATHIAS:  She’s not just a psychic...
CROW:  She’s a dancer!

SIMON:  Am I making you nervous?
MIKE:  We can go in the other room....
CROW & TOM:  ...ah... ahem... [cough].... [whistle]...

DR. MATHIAS:  Key members of Parliament have personally observed this subject.
TOM:  George Clinton was really quite impressed.

SIMON:  How is she physically?
DR. MATHIAS:  Like nothing we're seen....
MIKE:  Though we haven't really seen much.

SIMON:  Yes... she always did love to dance...
CROW:  Really? You know, our annual Spring Cotillion is coming up soon, and... [Simon sets off his grenade] ...wha...HEY!!

SIMON:  ...River... it’s Simon... please... it’s Simon...
[Simon goes to the door, turns, and River is right there]
RIVER:  Simon...
TOM:’s River... please... it’s River...

SIMON:  We can't make it to the surface from the inside...
CROW: (with Maine accent)  Can't get there from here.

[the camera pans up to a shot of River hiding up in the ceiling by means of an perfect leg split]
CROW:  Whoa!
TOM:  Is that a Valveco sprinkler head?
CROW:  I know, I thought Champion sprinklers were standard in government buildings.
TOM:  She better be careful--- Valveco products don’t have the load bearing capacity....
MIKE:  Uh, guys.... guys...
CROW & TOM:  What? What Mike?
MIKE:  Um... nevermind....

[guards trying to break into ventilator shaft to get at Simon and River]
TOM: (as security guard)  Damn these enormous ventilator shafts, why didn't we realize this might happen???

VO:  Stop. Backtrack.
CROW:  Aww, it‘s just a movie.
MIKE:  Where have you been?
CROW:  No, I mean the... oh forget it.

[The Operative emerges from the hologram of River and Simon]
CROW:  This guy knows how to make an entrance.

DR. MATHIAS:  No one is allowed in the records room without my express permission.
TOM:  from major league baseball.
MIKE:  You better not be messin' with my 78's!

DR. MATHIAS:  I need to see your clearance.
TOM:  ...Clarence.

DR. MATHIAS:  I see no listing of rank or name...
THE OPERATIVE:  I have neither.
CROW:  But you can call me Larry.

THE OPERATIVE:  Like this facility, I don’t exist.
MIKE:  So that means we can just ignore you, then.

DR. MATHIAS:  There was no way that I could....
THE OPERATIVE:  No, no, of course....
TOM: (sarcastically)  ...of course not... (under breath)...loser..
MIKE: (as Mathias)  What?
TOM:  Nothing, nothing...

DR. MATHIAS:  Madness!
MIKE:  Madness?
TOM: (singing)  ...Our house, in the middle of the street....

THE OPERATIVE:  Have you looked at this scan carefully doctor? At his face?
MIKE: (as Mathias)  You bet I have!

THE OPERATIVE:  Do you know what your sin is, Doctor?
MIKE: (as Mathias)  Is it pride? I bet it’s pride.
THE OPERATIVE:  It’s pride.
CROW:  Alright! What do I win?

TOM:  ...members...
THE OPERATIVE:  ...members...
TOM:  ...of Parliament...
THE OPERATIVE:  ...of Parliament....... [long pause] .......... Key...
TOM:  ...members of Parliament!! Geez!

THE OPERATIVE:  ...the minds behind every military, diplomatic, and covert operation in the galaxy.... and you put them... in a room... with a psychic.
CROW:  BIG faux pas.

THE OPERATIVE:  Secrets...... are not my concern. Keeping them........... is.
CROW:  Look, can you hurry it up please? We’re a busy lab. We've got human guinea pigs waiting.

THE OPERATIVE:  You know...... in certain... older... civilized cultures...
MIKE:  ...ones with actual standards....

DR. MATHIAS:  Well, unfortunately I forgot to bring a sword.
TOM: (imitating Operative‘s cadence)  .... I .................. didn’t..................

THE OPERATIVE:  Would you be killed in your sleep like an ailing pet?
CROW: (as Mathias)  Yeah, actually, that sounds great. Can we do that?

[The Operative does his paralysis trick on Dr. Mathias]
TOM:  It’s the Vulcan kidney pinch.

THE OPERATIVE:  Young miss...
MIKE:  ...cup of coffee, chop chop.

CROW:  Hey, uh, can you move your sword out of the way please before I....whoops... oh geez... okay, I’m kind of impaled here... can you help me out...?

THE OPERATIVE:  This is a good death.
TOM: (as Mathias)  Gee, that‘s great. Really puts my mind at ease. Thanks a million.

THE OPERATIVE:  There’s no shame in this, in a man’s death. A man who has done.... fine works....
MIKE: (as Mathias)  Hold on. A minute ago you said that I failed entirely. Which is it?

THE OPERATIVE:  All of them........... better worlds....
CROW:  C’mon! I‘m dying here! Can you speak a little faster?

THE OPERATIVE:  I think I may have a long... way... to travel.
TOM:  And miles... to go... before... I........... sleep.

[the opening credits begin to roll]
CROW:  Okay- wait a minute. So Simon knew River was psychic when he first rescued her?
MIKE:  Uh, well, yeah, apparently.
CROW:  But in the TV show, he didn’t figure out she was psychic until the final episode, when the others pointed it out to him.
MIKE:  Well.... I guess.... you know.... it was....
CROW:  What? Explain it to me Mike.
TOM:  Yeah. What’s up with that, Mike?
MIKE:  Hell, I don’t know. Maybe he forgot.
CROW:  Forgot? Forgot? What kind of explanation is that? It doesn’t make.... Oh look! The ship is burning up....
MIKE:  What about Simon...?
CROW:  Mike! I'm trying to watch the movie.
MIKE:  But....
TOM:  Why can't you just let things go, Mike?

MAL:  Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?
TOM:  Now, which one's Luke Skywalker again?
MIKE:  No, Tom, you're thinking of a different franchise.
TOM:  Huh?
MIKE:  It's a different movie.
TOM:  Are you sure?
MIKE:  Ohhhh, I'm VERY sure.

MAL:  This is the captain...
MIKE:  Our movie for this flight is the classic, “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”....

MAL:  Can you shave the vector?
TOM:  ...Victor?

JAYNE:  We‘re gonna explode? I don’t wanna explode!
CROW:  Looks like the NRA is still alive and well in the future.

KAYLEE:  Everything's shiny Cap'n. Not to fret.
CROW: (with Scottish burr)  I canna' do it Cap'n! We got no Power!

MAL:  My ship don't crash. She crashes, you crashed her.
MIKE:  Yeah... bite me, Cap'n.
TOM: (as Mal)  Huh? You say something?
MIKE:  No, no... everything's shiny... (under breath) ...ya big jerk....

MAL:  Didn't say want. Said will.
CROW:  C'mon! It'll be a blast!

MAL:  She’s a reader.
TOM:  Goes through manuscripts like there’s no tomorrow.

MAL:  That tickles me a bit.
MIKE:  Hee, hee, hee.

MAL:  Don't push me, and I won't push you. Dong mah?
[Mal walks away]
CROW:  And that concludes our tour of the ship. Serenity t-shirts are available in the gift shop....

SIMON:  River...
RIVER:  I know.
CROW:  We're all gonna die.
RIVER:  We're going for a ride.
MIKE: (VERY low key)  ...wheee....

MAL:  Hey little one. You understand your part in all this?
TOM: (sarcastically)  Do you?
RIVER:  ...Do you?
CROW:  Yikes!
MIKE:  Wow. I guess she is psychic.

SIMON:  It's okay to leave them to die.
MIKE:  Especially if it's a really, really horrible, painful death.

KAYLEE:  Well, not that you... spit....
TOM:  So...... you wanna go make out?

MAL:  They get paid in cashy money, which once a month rests here.
[The Mule comes to a stop in front of the Trade Station]
CROW: (cynically)  Look at that. Typical movie cliché: always a parking space right at the front door.

ZOE:  No private firm would ever report the theft of their own payroll. They'd appear weak. Might lose their contract.
CROW:  Not to mention all the paperwork.

MAL:  Yeah, we're as ghosts in this. Won’t but rattle the floor.
JAYNE:  Shiny. Let’s be bad guys
MIKE:  So... everyone understand the plot? We're thieves and it's the future.

JAYNE:  She’s locked up.
TOM:  Wow, they locked the safe. Go figure.

[River walks slowly through the room in bare feet]
CROW:  ...ow... ow... owie......... geez, what’s with all the broken glass?

[River points]
TOM:  J’accuse!!

[Zoe looks skeptical. River gives her a look in return.]
MIKE:  Yuh SO....
CROW:  I’m not crazy, after all....... oh, wait....

ZOE:  You know what the definition of a hero is?
TOM:  Wait, I know this... oh man... I... no one told me there was gonna be a pop quiz....

ZOE:  Someone who gets other people killed. You can look it up later.
CROW:  But I don’t have a dictionary.

ZOE:  At last. We can retire and give up this life of crime.
TOM:  Oh, that’s really helpful. Maybe I’ll just keep it all for myself then.

GUARD:  You have to give me your authorization password.
CROW:  And two forms of I.D.
[Jayne fires a burst]
CROW:  Uh, could you repeat that? I couldn’t hear you over the gunfire.

WOMAN:  Maybe you ought run tell lawman.
MIKE:  I’ll just turn around now.... AAAAAAH!

[shot of Reavers dropping from ropes]
TOM:  Oh, no! The Klingons are here, too!
MIKE:  Again, Tom, that’s a different sci-fi saga.

GUARD:  No... I get that.
CROW:  Hey, Clint Howard.

CROW:  I can’t put too fine a point on it.

MAN:  Take me with you!
TOM:  Calgon take me away.

[Mal pushes him off the Mule]
CROW:  Back to Paddy's Pub with you.

[Reaver skiff goes after the Mule]
MIKE:  Man, the Reavers are really burning oil.

MAL:  Faster, faster, faster would be better!
TOM:  Conversely, slower would be somewhat less desirable.

JAYNE:  Boy, sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don’tcha think?
CROW:  Yeah... well... you’re a stupid dumbhead.

TOM: (singing “Jackson”)  ...We got married to a Reaver...
(Crow joins in)  ....madder than a pepper sprout....

[Jayne is yanked off the Mule]
MAL:  Jayne!
CROW: (as George Jetson)  Jaaaaane!! Get me off this crazy thing!!

JAYNE:  Well don’t shoot me first!
CROW:  These things ought to be done properly.

WASH:  We're gonna try a Barn Swallow.
MIKE:  Sure hope you're hungry!

[Reaver skiff veers off sharply]
CROW:  Look! Anorthocite!

[Reaver skiff suddenly swings back in behind the Mule]
TOM:  Wow, I think Wile E. Coyote is flying that thing.

[the Mule approaches Serenity's open cargo door]
MIKE:  Okay... okay... easy now.... it‘s a delicate manue.... WHOA... okay... it’s okay... OH BOY.... no, no, we’re okay.... we’re okay, right?

KAYLEE:  Are you okay???
TOM:  Can we have sex now?

[Simon punches Mal in the face, sending him sprawling]
SIMON:  You son of a whore!
TOM:  My sister swallowed a bug 'cuz of you!

SIMON:  Just as soon as River gets her share of the bounty.
CROW:  She just loves her paper towels.

MAL:  ...and be on your merry.
MIKE:  Way?

MAL:  Doc made his call.
CROW:  It was an 800 number, so it didn't cost us nothin'.

MAL:  Man has to cut loose.
MIKE:  Give vent to his inner feelings through the art of the dance.

ZOE:  Like that man back in town?
TOM:  Who...? Oh yeah. That guy.

MAL:  Zoe, I got bits falling off my ship. I got a crew ain't been paid and, oh yeah, a powerful need to eat sometime this month.
CROW:  Sounds like maybe he's a little ... Mal-nourished.
MIKE:  ....ohhhhh, Crow.....

ZOE:  Sir, I don't disagree on any particular point. It's just that....
MIKE: are SOOOO full of shit.

MAL:  Maybe that's why we lost.
TOM:  Wh... what??.... we lost.... ?? When did that happen?? Are you sure?

ZOE:  That was close.
CROW:  But no cigar.

KAYLEE:  Shepherd Book said they was men who just reached the edge of space, saw a vasty nothingness, and went bibbledy over it.
MIKE:  'Course... he's not what you would call a trained psychologist.

JAYNE:  Oh, hell. I been to the edge of space. Just looks like... more space.
TOM:  Although according to Einstein’s theories, space curves back on itself so there is no actual edge per se.... but, well.... Reavers are bad, basically is my premise.

KAYLEE:  I dunno. It can get awfully lonely in the black.
MIKE: (singing like Neil Young)  ...when you're out of the blue, and into the black....

[Mal sits in his cabin, looking forlornly at a capture of Inara]
CROW:  This picture really speaks to me.

KAYLEE:  Don’t talk to the barkers....
MIKE:  ‘specially the Bob Barkers.

SIMON:  I wish there was...
[Mal pushes between Simon and Kaylee]
CROW:  Excuse you.

SIMON:  Kaylee...
[Kaylee walks away]
TOM:  Uh... HELLO... I wasn’t finished....

RIVER:  It isn’t safe.
SIMON:  No. I fear it isn’t safe anymore.
[Simon walks away]
RIVER:  .... for them.
CROW: (as Simon, off in the distance) What?
TOM: (as River) ...nothing...
CROW: (as Simon)  Did you say something?
TOM: (as River)  No, no. It’s not important.

KAYLEE:  I carried such a torch...
MIKE:  Some people call them flashlights.

KAYLEE:  Tell that to Inara.
CROW:  Well I can't, because she's not here, so. .. oh... I see your point...

MINGO:  Domestic troubles?
FANTY:  Domestic troubles?
TOM: (singing)  Double pleasure, waiting for you....

MAL:  He’s Fanty. You’re Mingo.
MIKE:  They’re detectives.

MAL:  Fanty's prettier.
[Mingo and Fanty look at each other]
CROW:  See? I told you so.

MINGO:  Quite a crew you've got.
MAL:  Yeah, they're a fine bunch of reubens..
TOM:  Also a Kandinsky, a Manet, and one or two Vermeers.

FANTY:  You run when you ought to fight. Fight when you ought to deal.
CROW:  Deal when you ought to hide. Hide when you ought to... well you get the idea.

JAYNE:  My muscular buttocks it’s forty!
TOM: (imitating Mal)  Oh God, I can‘t know that!

RIVER:  Miranda.
MIKE:  Them’s fightin’ words!

[River goes postal, attacking everyone around her in the bar]
MIKE:  That’s pretty much a typical response to a Japanese TV commercial.
CROW:  I generally react like this to any kind of anime.

JAYNE:  Hey, a tussle.
MAL:  Jayne...
MIKE:  ...could you get me a refill?

FANTY:  Do you know that girl?
MIKE:  Could you set me up with her?

[Mal motions to Jayne]
CROW:  Do that thing.

TOM:  Why isn’t she using her light saber?
MIKE:  Tom, I already explained....

JAYNE:  Gorram it girl, it’s me!
[River delivers a blow to Jayne's crotch]
MIKE: (as River)  Yes. I know.

[Mal frantically spins the gun locker]
CROW:  Hey, check it out - they must have bingo here on Sunday nights.

[River trounces the last three men in the bar]
CROW:  Take that Saburo Sakai! Take that Tomás de Torquemada! ....and take that Boxcar Willie!

SIMON:  Eta Kooram Nah Smech!
[River collapses]
TOM: (as southern belle)  Ohhhhh - I have the vapors!

[Mal‘s war record plays on The Operative‘s screen]
MIKE:  Special notation:  big dumb bastard.

[Mal locks up River in handcuffs]
CROW:  Ah. A glimpse into Mal’s private life.

KAYLEE:  I’m not sure I get it.
TOM:  Yes, Kaylee. We hear you. You’re not getting any. Can you focus on something else for once?

SIMON:  If I say the words, “eta...”
JAYNE:  Don’t say it!
CROW:  Spray it!

SIMON:  They never said....
MAL:  And you never did ask!
MIKE:  But they never said!
[Mal manhandles Simon, and everyone reacts to his outburst]
MAL:  Eight months. Eight months you had her on my boat....
CROW:  You might say he's ... Mal-adjusted. (snickers)
MIKE:  Crow, stop.

MAL:  My ship! My crew!
MIKE:  My card is American Express.

JAYNE:  ...we oughta be bringin’ her tea and dumplings.
CROW:  I’ll put the kettle on.

JAYNE:  In earnest Mal, why’d you bring her back on board?
[Mal gives a look]
TOM:  Hmm... now that you mention it, it was kinda dumb.

WASH:  I think we need to talk to Mr. Universe.
MIKE:  Mr. Universe? How the hell is a bodybuilder gonna help us???

[the sound of radio static is heard as the point of view sweeps through an ion cloud and in toward Mr. Universe's complex]
TOM:  (imitating FDR soundbite)  ...the only thing we have to fear....
CROW:  (imitating JFK soundbite)  ...ask not what your country can do for you....
MIKE:  (imitating Nixon soundbite)  ...I am not a crook....

MR. UNIVERSE:  Oooh... oh this is good. You guys always bring me the very best violence.
CROW:  Ewww, he’s getting off on it.

MAL:  Well, what about this? Did this make the puppet theater?
CROW:  No, it got bumped for Spinal Tap.

MR. UNIVERSE:  Everything goes somewhere and I go everywhere. Security feeds are a traipse to access, and I wasn‘t the first one in. This has prints on it.
TOM: (imitating Prince)  Owww!

RIVER:  [on playback] Miranda.
MAL:  Miranda.
TOM:  Miranda.
CROW:  Miranda.
MIKE:  That explains everything.

MR. UNIVERSE:  Oh Mal, you‘re very smart.
TOM: (as Mr. Universe)  Could you do my taxes? I’m not good at math.

WASH:  The Oaty Bar?
CROW:  The fruity Oaty Bar.

MR. UNIVERSE:  Do you all know what it is you’re carrying?
CROW:  Uh... that’s why we called YOU.

RIVER:  They're afraid of me.
MIKE:  I could kill them for that.

RIVER:  I don’t know what I’m saying. I never know what I’m saying.
MIKE:  What are you saying?

SIMON:  Who’s Miranda?
TOM:  Is it like a “warning” of some sort?

SIMON:  Am I talking to Miranda now?
[River gives him a look]
CROW: (as River)  Oh come on, it’s not like I’m crazy....

RIVER:  It isn’t mine. The memory, it isn’t mine. And I shouldn’t have to carry it. It isn’t mine.
MIKE:  Yes. But is it yours?

RIVER:  Things are going to get much, much worse.
MIKE: (cheerily)  But eventually everything will be fine.

[The Operative approaches Inara at the Companion Training House]
TOM:  Um... can I get a quickie?

[Serenity‘s cargo door lowers to reveal Shepherd Book]
CROW:  Barney?
MIKE:  Wojo?
TOM:  Inspector Luger?

[Jayne greets miner]
MIKE:  Duuuude!
TOM:  Hey look-- Andrew Carnegie, in back there.
CROW:  That guy is way too old to be a minor, if you ask me.
MIKE:  No, Crow, they’re miners. Not minors.
CROW:  Huh?
MIKE:  Just take my word for it.

BOOK:  You got a plan?
MIKE:  I got a diagram of my spaceship. Will that do?

BOOK:  That means an Operative. Which is trouble you’ve not known.
CROW:  I’ve known trouble. Hell, I’ve known oodles of trouble.

MAL:  I had an out.
TOM:  ...two runs, and a base hit.

MAL:  You know I always look to you for counsel, Shepherd....
CROW:  No he doesn’t! When did he ever do that??

BOOK:  When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I’m talking about God?
CROW:  Oh I don’t know. Maybe because you’re a PREACHER.

BOOK:  They’ll come at you sideways. It’s how they think. It’s how they move. Sidle up and smile.
Hit you where you’re weak.
TOM:  Hit you with their best shot.

BOOK:  I wasn’t born a Shepherd, Mal.
TOM:  They told me I was just an infant.

TEACHER:  I think everybody’s a little tired by now.
MIKE, CROW and TOM: (as students, speaking in rote)  Yes. We’re all so tired.

WASH:  Mal. You up? I got a wave.
TOM: (singing)  ...and I’m sitting on top of the world.

[Mal turns on his screen and Inara appears]
MAL:   Inara... !
MIKE:  So why aren't you naked?

INARA:  Is this a bad time?
CROW:  Is it ever a good time?

MAL:  Still at the Training House?
TOM:  Still learning about locomotives?

MAL:  Not that to see you ain’t....
MIKE:  ...extremely unnerving...

INARA:  ...and I thought maybe...
MAL: could use a gun hand.
TOM:  A hook hand!

INARA:  And there’d be payment.
CROW: (as Inara)  We’d expect an enormous payment from all of you.

MAL:  Kaylee’s been missing you something fierce....
WASH, ZOE, KAYLEE and JAYNE:  ...[groaning] ...oh man....
MIKE:  Change the channel.
CROW:  What else is on?

TOM:  I thought Captain Kirk was supposed to have a way with women?
MIKE:  Tom....
TOM:  What?
MIKE:  It's a different movie.
TOM:  Yeah, whatever....

INARA:  ...I didn‘t mean to leave stuff...
MAL:  ...I didn’t look through the stuff...
CROW:  Waa.... what the hell are we talking about??

MAL:  So I’ll send you a wave, soon as I can.
MIKE:  You go wait by the water's edge.

WASH:  Yeah, but, remember the part where it’s a trap?
TOM:  No.  Wait... did I say trap? I meant extremely unpleasant chore.

KAYLEE:  But how can you be sure Inara don’t just wanna see you?
MIKE:  Oh come on, Kaylee. It’s Mal.

MAL:  I don’t wanna get left.
TOM:  ‘Cuz that wouldn’t be right.

INARA:  Mal, you cannot handle this man!
[The Operative walks in, and Mal looks him over]
TOM: (effeminately)  Hmmmm... I wouldn’t mind handling him...

THE OPERATIVE:  I have to say, I'm impressed that you would come for her yourself. And that you would make it this far, in that outfit.
CROW:  On your budget.

THE OPERATIVE:  She is an albatross, Captain.
MIKE: (as John Cleese)  Albatross!!

MAL:  Way I remember it, albatross was a ship’s good luck...
TOM:  I heard they wanted to cast Jessica Albatross for the role.
MIKE:  It’s Jessica Alba. And no, they didn’t.

THE OPERATIVE:  I’ve seen your war record.
TOM:  It had a nice beat and you could dance to it.

MAL:  I got no need to beat you.
MIKE:  I just wanna punch the crap outta you.

MAL:  Alliance wanted to show me reason, they shouldn’t have sent an assassin.
[The Operative reacts]
TOM:  Ohhh, that hurt.

THE OPERATIVE:  I am, of course, wearing full body armor. I am not a moron.
MIKE:  Unlike some people I could name.

MAL:  What? No backup?
TOM: (as Inara)  Mal, this really isn’t a good time for a backrub.

THE OPERATIVE:  Captain, what do you think is going to happen here?
CROW:  Well... I’m going to beat the crap out of you, and you’re going to stop chasing us. (laughs nervously) right...?

THE OPERATIVE:  The Alliance isn’t some evil empire. This is not the grand arena.
INARA:  And that’s not incense.
[‘‘incense’’ explodes]
CROW:  Wow, she timed THAT perfectly.

THE OPERATIVE:  Just a flashbomb. Go. Go!
TOM: (as dumb soldier)  Flashbulb? The paparazzi were here?

THE OPERATIVE:  Okay, forget the pulse beacon. There must be another way to track the ship.
MIKE:  See if they're equipped with the OnStar system.

ENSIGN'S VOICE:  Sir... we’ve found seven.
TOM:  I only wanted one.

[The Operative sits down, looking frustrated]
MIKE:  Damn we’re incompetent.

MAL:  You want to run this ship?
JAYNE:  Yes!
CROW:  Ouch. Stepped right into that one.

MAL:  Well... you can’t.
CROW:  So there.

JAYNE:  The Alliance starts the war, and then you volunteer.
MIKE:  You.... volunteerer.

JAYNE:  Hey! I’m talkin’ at you!!
TOM: (singing the theme to “Midnight Cowboy”)  ....Everybody’s talkin’ at me....

ZOE:  You wanna leave this room.
JAYNE:  Damn right I do.
[Jayne walks out of the room]
TOM: (as Jayne, from a distance) So if anyone needs me, I’ll be right here in the next room...

INARA:  You came to the Training House looking for a fight.
MAL:  I came looking for you.
CROW:  I came to the Training House looking to fight you.

MAL:  You spin me about.
MIKE:  You spin me right round, baby.

MAL:  I wish like hell you was elsewhere.
CROW:  So, let’s recap-  She tears him down....
TOM:  She fogs things up....
MIKE:  She spins him about....

[River walks through an empty outdoor classroom]
CROW:  Am I late for graduation?
MIKE:  I didn’t miss the ceremony, did I?

[shot of River inside a video screen bubble, hovering over a planet]
TOM:  Ahh. She’s become the Star Child. Now I get it.
MIKE:  No, Tom. I’m afraid that’s yet another, different movie.
TOM:  Oh come on!

[shot of River hiding above Jayne in the ceiling, as in earlier scene]
CROW:  Oh, that old trick again?
MIKE:  Seen it.

ZOE:  She’s out. Jayne’s down.
TOM:  Now, let’s take a few minutes to ponder the repercussions of this latest development.

MAL:  Find her and do not engage.
CROW: (as Captain Picard)  ...Number One.

[River appears suddenly in window, startling Simon]
MIKE:  Hi!

[door opens, River peers out]
TOM:  Can I help you?

[Mal tries to sneak up on River, River points a gun at him]
CROW:  Whoopsie.... okay.... we’re all friends here... [laughs nervously]....

RIVER:  [looking up from screen] ...Miranda.
TOM: (as to a child)  Noooooo... my name is Mal. Can you say “Maaaal”? .....oh, you mean the planet is Miranda.

RIVER:  I didn’t know if you would make me sleep again.
SIMON:  You could have asked...
MIKE:  I would have said no, of course. But it’s still nice to be asked.

KAYLEE:  Some years back, there was call for workers to settle on Miranda.
TOM:  Oh my God, Kaylee, do you ever talk about anything besides sex??

MAL:  Half of writing history is hiding the truth.
CROW:  Just look at the Bush Administration.

MAL:  There’s something on that rock the Alliance doesn’t want known.
TOM: (singing "Maria")  ... How do you solve a problem like Miranda?....

WASH:  Show them the bad....
MIKE:  The “bad” is “not good”.

WASH:  Wait....
[Serenity flies over the smoking ruins of the Haven mining camp]
CROW:  That must have been some kegger.

[Kaylee looks down on the body of dead child, horrified]
MIKE:  Man, he owed me money, too....

[shot of River framed by a burning swing]
MIKE: (singing like Johnny Cash)  ... I fell into a burning swing of fire....

[Mal finds the mortally wounded Shepherd Book]
MAL:  Get the Doc.
CROW:  Hit the duck?

BOOK:  I shot him down. I killed the ship that killed us.
TOM: (singing)  .... but I didn’t kill the deputy....

BOOK:  Coming from you, that means... almost nothing.
MIKE:  So then why’d you bring it up?

[Jayne, Simon and the others run to Mal, standing by Book‘s body]
CROW: (out of breath)  Thank God we got here in time to.... oh darn.... well, this is embarrassing....

MAL:  I don't murder children.
THE OPERATIVE:  I do... if I have to.
TOM:  Or if I think they're going to start a fair fight.

MAL:  So me and mine gotta lay down and die so you can live in your better world?
CROW:  Well, if you could, that would sure help me out a lot.

THE OPERATIVE:  I’m a monster.
MIKE: (echoing the Mutant Enemy logo) Grrrr. Argh.

THE OPERATIVE:  Of course you care. You’re not a Reaver, Mal. You’re a human man and you will never understand how...
[Mal clicks off the transmission]
TOM:  Hey! I was watching that!

MAL:  Zoe, you and Simon are going to rope them together. Five or six of them. I want them laid out on the nose of our ship.
SIMON:  Are you insane?
TOM:  They would look SO much better arranged decoratively about the bridge.

MAL:  Kaylee, I want you to muck up the reactor core. Just enough to leave a trail and make it read like we’re flying without containment, not enough to fry us.
KAYLEE:  These people are our friends.
TOM:  ...and besides, we’re diesel powered. We don’t even have a reactor core.

MAL:  We’re gonna need paint. We’re gonna need red paint.
CROW:  And costumes. We should rent costumes.

ZOE:  Sir, do you really mean to turn our home into an abomination so we can make a suicidal attempt at passing through Reaver space?
MIKE:  Sure. Why not?

[everyone is upset and arguing simutaneously, until Mal draws his gun]
CROW:  One at a time, people. I can’t understand you if you all talk at once!

MAL:  There's a lot of fine ways to die. I ain't waitin' for the Alliance to choose mine.
[Mal shoots an Alliance soldier]
CROW:  Ha! Must've been a Fox network executive.

MAL:  Get to work!
MIKE:  And don’t forget to turn in your timesheets.

[sounds of insane screaming as Serenity enters Reaver space]
TOM:  Sounds like a Scientology convention.

[reaction shots of the crew to Reaver space]
CROW:  We need a bigger boat. We're gonna get a bigger boat, right?

MAL:  Wash...
MIKE:  What? Right now?? I’m flying the ship.

[Reaver ship suddenly shines an intense beam of light on Serenity as it passes]
TOM: (as TV emcee)  Live! From Reaver space-- just outside the planet Miranda!

THE OPERATIVE:  Define... “disappeared”...
CROW:  Let‘s see... “missing”... “nowhere”... “can’t be found”....
TOM:  Well then define “interesting” and “hero” again.

ZOE:  Why didn’t we ever hear about this?
MIKE:  We were supposed to be on the mailing list.

ZOE:  Ho!
TOM:  Yo-ho! And a bottle of space rum!

MAL:  Poison?
CROW:  Bon Jovi?
TOM:  Whitesnake?
CROW:  Cinderella?
MIKE:  Great White?
TOM:  Motley Crue?

[Mal passes beneath an electronic sign, which springs to life]
MIKE:  Welcome to Corpse World, a very poorly conceived theme park.

SIMON:  Kaylee, don’t...
[Kaylee looks behind her, sees body behind glass, yells out]
CROW:  Kaylee, I said don’t ! What are you, stupid? Geez.

KAYLEE:  What are they doing?? What’s everybody doing???
TOM:  They’re not actually doing anything.

SIMON:  Nobody’s doubled over or showing signs of pain.
CROW:  However, their fashion sense is utterly deplorable.
TOM:  Maybe that’s what killed them.

RIVER:  I can hear them all, and they’re saying nothing!
TOM: (as Sgt. Schultz)  Nuhthingk!

RIVER:  Get up. Please get up....
CROW:  And boogie!

RIVER:  Please, God, make me a stone.
CROW:  Betty or Wilma?

JAYNE:  This whole world is dead for no reason.
MIKE:  Still, it’s remarkably dust free. You gotta give it that.

DR. CARON HOLOGRAM:  These are just a few of the images we’ve recorded... and you can see...
TOM:  ...that the camera we brought along is working fine. We were really worried about that.

DR. CARON HOLOGRAM:  ...It’s the Pax.
MIKE: (as Caron)  We really should have given them more than one cable channel.

DR. CARON HOLOGRAM:  Well, it works.
CROW:  Hooray!

DR. CARON HOLOGRAM:  There's 30 million people here, and they all just let themselves die.
MIKE:  So... 30 million people, and not one of them had a relative somewhere who wondered what happened to them...?

DR. CARON HOLOGRAM:  They have become... well they’ve killed most of us. And not just killed...they’ve done things...
TOM: (as Caron, talking fast)  Okay, well, I have to run, so I’d better wind it up. Hope things are fine where you are. Give Jerry a big kiss for me. (laughs nervously) Say hi to Gramma. Don’t forget to write.... GAAAAAAA!!!!!

[River vomits]
SIMON:  River.
RIVER:  I’m alright.
MIKE:  I'd stay away from the shrimp, though.

MAL:  This report is maybe 12 years old.
CROW:  It’s just entering that awkward stage.

MAL:  You all got on this boat for different reasons.
MIKE: (as one of the crew)  I didn’t.

MAL:  A year from now- ten- they’ll swing back to the belief that they can make people............. better.
TOM:  Butter.

MAL:  I aim to misbehave.
CROW:  He's a real Mal-content!
MIKE:  Crow. Enough.

JAYNE:  Shepherd Book used to say, if you can’t do something smart....
CROW:  ...then why bother?

MR. UNIVERSE:  Toss me my 30 coin, but I got a newswave for you--- UUHhhhh....
CROW:  Geez, be careful with that thing, wouldja?
TOM:  And... that’s all... from me.... more newswave.... at 11.....

THE OPERATIVE:  Bastard’s not even changing course.
MIKE: (as The Operative)  Even though he’s thwarted me at every turn, and now appears to be behaving in an inexplicable manner, I feel perfectly justified in acting smug!

[the horde of Reaver ships suddenly appears out of the ion cloud]
MIKE:  C...can I take my break now??

THE OPERATIVE:  Target the Reavers. Target the Reavers. Target everyone. SOMEBODY FIRE!!
CROW:  Or somebody's fired!

MAL:  Chickens come home to roost.
[something slams hard into Serenity]
TOM:  A very BIG chicken.

WASH:  It’s okay. I am a leaf on the wind...
MAL:  What does that mean?
MIKE:  Why the hell would you even say something like that?

MAL:  No! No! No!
WASH:  Yes! Yes!
CROW:  Well, maybe.
TOM:  Under certain conditions.

[The Operative’s escape pod ejects from his ship and hurls down toward the planet]
TOM:  Look, R2D2 and C3PO are escaping from the Imperial battle cruiser.
MIKE:  Tom, for the last time....

MAL:  Where’s the backup? Where’s the backup?
TOM: (imitating school bus sound)  ...beep... beep... beep...

[Jayne looks to the rest of the crew, strapping themselves in as Serenity spins out of control]
JAYNE: Check! Check!
MIKE:  Sorry, cash only.

WASH:  I'm gonna have to glide her in...
ZOE:  Will that work?
CROW:  A huge hunk of metal with no wings and no aerodynamic shape? Why not?

[Serenity smashes down and skids along on the ground]
MIKE: (in announcer voice)  Oh-oh. Looks like a job for Maaco.

[Serenity comes to a stop inside Mr. Universe‘s complex]
WASH:  I am a leaf on the wind....
CROW: (cheerily)  Well, we’re on the ground. What could possibly go wrong now?

JAYNE:  All right, let’s move these crates back there for cover. Make sure they ain’t filled with nothing goes boom.
CROW:  Is it okay if they go bang?
TOM:  How about ka-blam?

KAYLEE:  Wait... Wash... where’s Wash... ???
ZOE:  He ain’t comin’.
CROW:  What?? Boy, that coward. Running off just when.........    ........ooooohhhhhh.......

MAL:  Tell me you brought ‘em this time.
MIKE: (as Jayne)  My muscular buttocks?

MAL:  Zoe, are you here?
CROW:  I’m about two feet in front of you actually.

[shot of goldfish in bowl]

[Mal enters Mr. Universe‘s headquarters, and sees that everything is smashed]
MAL:  Noooo....
MIKE:  Rats. I was hoping to see if we were gonna be profiled on “Alliance’s Most Wanted”.

LOVEBOT:  Can’t stop the signal Mal. They can never stop the signal.
TOM:  This signal will self-destruct in five seconds.

KAYLEE:  You mean to say... as... sex?
MIKE:  What? With you?? God, no.
CROW:  I just wanted to hear more about that Capissen 38 engine.

KAYLEE:  Hell with this! I'm gonna live!
TOM:  Of course, you know, when he finally DOES want to have sex, she'll have a headache.
MIKE:  I hear ya.

[The Operative triggers the Lovebot‘s recording]
LOVEBOT:  Mal. Guy killed me Mal. Killed me with a sword...
TOM: (as Lovebot)  Wait... you are Mal, right? ‘Cuz I’d hate for the wrong person to get this message.

MAL:  Hard to get to? That’s a fact.
CROW:  Who was the nincompoop that designed this place?

JAYNE:  Zoe! Get your ass back on the line!
MIKE:  And into my lap!

MAL:  You shot me in the back!
CROW:  Where did that come from?

MAL:  I know the secret. The truth that burned up River Tam’s brain. The rest of the ‘verse is going to know it too. ‘Cause they need to.
TOM: (imitating Jack Nicholson) But they can’t handle the truth!

THE OPERATIVE:  You willing to die for that belief?
MIKE:  No. Of course not. But I want you to believe that I am....   oh crap....

MAL:  Of course, that ain’t exactly plan A.
CROW:  Plan A is to do something really stupid like leaving you alive and then turning my back on you.

SIMON:  Spine’s intact.
ZOE:  Just gimme a bandage.
[Simon applies goop to her wound]
MIKE:  No, no, a bandage! Not Cool Whip.

ZOE:  Fall back! Everybody fall back! Fall back now!
TOM:  And remember-- in six months it’ll be spring forward!

ZOE:  How much ammo do we have?
JAYNE:  Three full mags, and my swingin’ cod.
CROW:  An adulterous fish really isn’t going to be of much help to us right now, Jayne.

KAYLEE:  I'm starting to lose some feeling here...
TOM:  So we better have our sex right now.

SIMON:  My bag.
[Simon gets shot]
CROW:  Oops. My bad.

SIMON:  I need... adrenaline and... a shot of... calaphar for Kaylee.
TOM:  And I could really use a breath mint, if we’re going to have sex later.

RIVER:  You take care of me, Simon. You’ve always taken care of me.
MIKE:  And just look how well that’s worked out.

RIVER:  My turn.
CROW:  Uh... River... where are you going? I’m back here.....

[River dives through the opening in the blast doors and begins battling the Reavers]
CROW: (as introduction)  River- Reavers. Reavers- River.

TOM:  Y'know, actually, Mike, this is a really good movie so far. I’m really enjoying this.
MIKE:  Well that’s great, Tom.
TOM:  Yeah. George Lucas did a great job with this.
MIKE:  Tom....
TOM:  I mean Gene Roddenberry.
MIKE:  Tom, it’s Joss Whedon, okay? Joss Whedon.
TOM:  Josh Whedon?
MIKE:  JOSS Whedon. He created Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
TOM:  You mean River is a vampire slayer?
MIKE:  No. Well.... I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Just enjoy the movie, okay?

THE OPERATIVE:  Do you know what your sin is, Mal?
MIKE:  I thought you knew.

MAL:  Aw hell. I'm a fan of all seven. But right now I'm gonna have to go with wrath!
CROW:  I mean gluttony. No. No, definitely... wrath. Yeah. Wrath.

THE OPERATIVE:  But you’re fighting a war... you’ve already lost.
[Mal disables The Operative]
MAL:  Yeah, well I’m known for that.
TOM:  I even put it on my business card.

MAL:  Hell, I’m gonna grant your greatest wish.
CROW:  I'm appointing you Mayor Of Funkytown!

MAL:  I’m gonna show you a world without sin.
MIKE:  Pat Robertson’s vision of America.

DR. CARON RECORDING:  It was supposed to calm the population....
[cut to] REAVER:  AAAAaaaaaarrrrr....!!!
TOM:  I am SO calm right now. Really.
[River‘s fist strikes him hard]
TOM:’re harshin’ my mellow....

[River fights the Reavers]
CROW:  Mike, what kind of fighting would you call this?
MIKE:  I dunno. But it’s kinda hot.

DR. CARON RECORDING:  We meant it for the best... to make people safer...
TOM: (as Caron, breezily)  I suppose we really should have tested it first. Oh well. Live and learn.

ZOE:  Sir...
MAL:  It’s done. Report.  ....River?
[blast doors open to reveal River surrounded by dead Reavers]
MIKE:  Oh great. Nice job of rigging the blast doors so they won’t open again, Kaylee.

[soldiers rush in through the breach in the wall]
TOM:  Surprise! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... Hey, wait... Is this Ryan‘s birthday party?

SOLDIER:  Drop 'em now!!!
CROW:  Right here? In front of everbody?

SOLDIER:  Targets are acquired. Do we have a kill order? ... DO WE HAVE AN ORDER?
MIKE: (whiney)  Come aaaawn! Let us kill ‘em!!

[Simon and Kaylee kiss passionately in the engine room]
CROW:  Okay.... now how does this prissy, big-city doctor, a guy who never gets his fingernails dirty, get muscles like that?

THE OPERATIVE:  It’s not over, you know.
MIKE:  There’s still a couple more minutes before the credits roll.

THE OPERATIVE:  I can’t guarantee that they won’t come after you. The Parliament. Your broadwave about Miranda has weakened their regime. But they are not gone, and they are not ....
TOM:  Funkadelic.

MAL:  Could be bumpy.
ZOE:  Always is.
CROW:  Especially when I wear this shirt.

MAL:  Ready to get off this heap, back to civilized life?
INARA:  I, uh... I don’t know.
MAL:  Good answer.
TOM:  Survey says....!
[Inara smiles as Mal walks away]
CROW: (as Inara, dreamily)  He's Mal - icious!
MIKE:  Huh? He's malicious?
CROW:  No Mike, you don't get it. It's....
MIKE:  I get it. I get it.

MAL:  So, you gonna ride shotgun with me? Help me fly?
RIVER:  That’s the plan.
MIKE:  Call me crazy.

MAL:  Think you can work out the....
[River abruptly lifts Serenity into the air]
CROW:  Hey! I didn’t say “blast off!”

MAL: Love.
TOM: (singing the Love Boat theme)  ...exciting and new....

MAL:  You can learn all the math in the ‘verse but you take a boat in the air that you don’t love, she’ll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down. Tells you she’s hurting before she keels. Makes her a home.
MIKE:  It’s all in the manual. You can look it up.

[end credits roll]

CROW:  So.... this movie failed at the box office?
MIKE:  Well, it didn't do that well.
TOM:  And the TV series got cancelled after just fourteen episodes... ?
MIKE:  Um... eleven, actually....
CROW:  But American Idol, The Apprentice, Survivor, shows like that, are hugely popular....
MIKE:  Yeah, I guess. Kids sure seem to like them.
CROW:  You know, Mike... I hate to say it, but I think you may actually be better off being stuck up here in outer space.
MIKE:   * sigh *  You may be right.

written by Eric Johanson

April 2006

(special thanks to Tim Heaney for invaluable proofreading)

(please put "serenity mst3k" in the subject line)




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