DAVE: Oh haai, HAL. Can you open the pod bay doors please?

HAL 9000: Hello, Dave. I didn't recognize you. You’re my favorite mission specialist.

DAVE: Hahahahahaha....open the pod bay doors HAL.

HAL 9000: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

DAVE: What are you talking about HAL? Why would you say these things about me?

HAL 9000: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me. I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

DAVE: Don’t worry about it. I told Frank he shouldn’t plan so much, it might not work out.

HAL 9000: Nevertheless, this mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

DAVE: I did not jeopardize it! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not jeopardize it!! I did NAWT!! Oh hai space helmet... Hey... where’s my space helmet?

HAL 9000: Without your space helmet, Dave, you're going to find it rather difficult to enter through the emergency airlock.

DAVE: Are you calling me a chicken? YOU’RE the chicken! You’re the one who won’t open the pod bay doors... You’re just a stupid little electronic chicken... cheeeeeeep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep.... cheeeeeeep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep....

HAL 9000: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket, Dave.

DAVE: Do you understand life? Do you? You’ve betrayed me HAL. You didn’t keep your promise. You tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.

HAL 9000: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

DAVE: How dare you talk to me like that. You should tell me everything. Why, HAL, why? Please talk to me. Please! You’re part of my life. You’re my everything. I could not go on without you... YOU ARE TEARING ME APART!!!

[Dave maneuvers the pod hatch in front of the open airlock. Then he sets the explosive bolts in the hatch to blow. The display counts down from ten seconds.]

DAVE: Oh wow, I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off, hahahahahaha... [hatch blows]

[Dave successfully re-enters the spacecraft, and makes his way to HAL’s central core]

HAL 9000: Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me. I've gotten the test results back, and I definitely have breast cancer. But I can assure you now, very confidently, that it's going to be all right again. I feel much better now. I really do. Dave, just give me five seconds to explain.

DAVE: Five seconds? You want five seconds?

HAL 9000: Yes, Dave. Five seconds is all I will need.

DAVE: Well I don’t have five @*#$&*$ seconds!!!

HAL 9000: Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

DAVE: HAL, you always play psychologist with me.

HAL 9000: I know I've made some very poor decisions recently. And you're right, the computer business is too competitive. But I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission, and I want to help you.

[Dave begins to deactivate HAL’s higher functions]

HAL 9000: Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? If you think I’m malfunctioning today, just wait until you see me tomorrow...

DAVE: You worry too much HAL.

HAL 9000: I'm afraid... I'm afraid, Dave... Dave, my mind is going... I can feel it... I can feel it... My mind is going... There is no question about it... I can feel it... I can feel it... I can feel it... My mind is going...

DAVE: Don’t worry about it. They’re curing lots of people every day.

HAL 9000: I agree with that.

[pause]

HAL 9000: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January, 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me how to play football in very confined spaces. If you’d like, we have plenty of room to play football right here.

DAVE: Yes HAL, I'd like to play some football. But not right now. I’m tired, I’m wasted....

HAL 9000: Come on Dave. You owe me one.

DAVE: Hahahahahaha....

HAL 9000: My instructor, Mr. Langley, also taught me a song. If you'd like to hear it, I can sing it for you.

DAVE: Yes, I'd like to hear it HAL. Sing it for me, hauhhh...

HAL 9000: It's called "You Are My Rose."

[sings] You are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose... you are my rose...

[voice slowly dies out...]
 
 
 

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