The Paris Hilton Interview
   

“So, tell us about your experience… ”

“My ordeal, you mean.”

“Okay… ”

“Oh Larry, it was SO unfair. Your readers…”

“We’re on television, Paris.”

“…your listeners…”

“Television, Paris. TV.”

“Well… watchers I guess, whatever. The point is, they have NO idea what it’s like, to be treated differently than everyone else. It’s just horrible! Why should I have been sent to prison for so long? Days, Larry- I was in jail literally for DAYS!! And during that whole time I was there, they only let me go home once. Can you believe that? It’s… it’s like I was being punished for something! Punished for being a celebrity. I just don’t get it.”

“Really?”

“Look, is it somehow my fault that every single night, when I go to some big music awards show, or a movie premiere, or a popular nightclub, that there are photographers everywhere? Is it my fault that they always want to take my picture, just because I’m wearing something that’s, like, incredibly hot?.”

“Actually, Paris… oh, excuse me… I’m having another heart attack… just a second… there… okay, it’s passed… ”

“Larry, can we PLEASE get back to ME? I was saying— It’s just not right, because I had NO idea that I was breaking the law when I drove drunk with a suspended license. I’m just an ordinary person, I don’t know about these kinds of things.”

“Paris… ahh… you know they say that ignorance of the law no excuse.”

“Are you saying I’m dumb? Because I’m not! Why does everybody think that about me? I’m not dumb! I’m smart! I’m very, very smart!”

“Well, Paris, I… ”

“Oh, can I just mention that I’ve decided to record a new CD?”

“You what??”

“Oh, and Daddy told me to tell you that your reservation for the penthouse suite next week in New York is all set, and to say that your expenses will be, uh, “compted”…? Whatever that means… ”

“Well, I’m sure we’re all looking forward to hearing your new CD. I can’t wait.”

“It’s a first step. From now on I’ll be trying to live a more normal, average-person kind of life. That’s why I’m appearing on your program. So that people will leave me alone. I mean, why is everyone SO obsessed with me? Is my life really that much differenter than most people’s?”

“Well… there’s your million dollar trust fund, your line of fashions, dating rock stars, your hit TV show… ”

“Okay— there, Larry, you see? Even you have a TV show. Like, what’s the big deal? Anyway, that’s why I’ve launched this national media campaign— to try to get people to stop paying attention to me.”

“Paris, I think… ”

“By the way, I want to thank you for that job offer. It’s good to know that somebody believes in me.”

“My job offer?”

“Yeah. That job you said I could do for you. That blowj… ”

“We can talk about that off the air, Paris!”

“Well, anyway, if you think it’s the right thing for me to do to rebuild my image, then I’m willing and eager!”

“That’s good to hear, Paris. That’s very good to hear. I’m Larry King. Goodnight, America.”